“I needed help to face a future without children”

“I didn’t know how I was going to carry on living the rest of my life feeling like I did,” says Laura from Great Yarmouth. “My aim for the counselling sessions was that I wanted to be ‘okay’ with being childless.

“It had got to the point where I was thinking that if I was never going to be a mum, and my mental health really suffered. I want to share my story to encourage and inspire other people who are struggling like I was.”

Laura battled depression and sought counselling ‘to face a future without children’ and is sharing her story of triumph over adversity during Fertility Week (November 4-8) which is highlighting the emotional trauma of infertility.

Physical and mental health declined

Laura was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis whilst still a teenager and shortly afterwards was told she also had fibromyalgia.

When she was in her early twenties Laura and partner Rick started trying for a baby but as the years went by without getting pregnant, Laura’s mental and physical health declined.

“I was depressed and anxious and in a lot of pain with my health conditions,” says Laura. “I started comfort eating and put on weight. At my heaviest I weighed 21 stone.”

Throughout Fertility Week national fertility charity Fertility Network UK is focusing on the impact that fertility issues can have on mental health and wellbeing – as well as the effects of ‘infertility-related trauma’ and highlighting how to support those on a fertility journey.

“I started to see posts on social media from old school friends who were starting to settle down and there were pregnancy announcements with comments like ‘oh I have had a happy accident!’” says Laura. “The longer our difficulties went on the more unfair it started to feel.”

After five years of trying to conceive naturally Laura and Rick went to see their GP who referred them to Bourn Hall Clinic in Kings Lynn for some fertility tests and was told they would need IVF to conceive.

Pressure to lose weight

“I knew my weight was an issue,” says Laura. “My BMI was 42 and it need to be 30 or under to meet the criteria for NHS IVF treatment.”

Sadly, her disabilities presented another set of obstacles for Laura. “Exercise wasn’t really an option for me, so it had to be based purely on changing my diet,” she explains. “I was also subsequently told by a Bourn Hall doctor that I had the markers for polycystic ovarian syndrome, a condition which can make it more difficult to lose weight.

“I set about losing weight and managed to lose over five stone but then I stalled and began to feel as though I would never get my BMI low enough to meet the NHS criteria.”

At this point Laura sought counselling through the NHS Wellbeing Service to help her accept a potential future without children. “My aim by the end of the counselling sessions was to be ‘okay’ with being childless,” she says.

Infertility is a feeling of grief

This feeling of grief is familiar to Jackie Stewart, an independent fertility counsellor who provides counselling to Bourn Hall patients and facilitates the clinic’s monthly Fertility Support Group which is open to anyone experiencing fertility issues.

“The yearning for a potential child creates a sense of loss and anxiety,” she explains. “This sense of loss grows as time passes and can be likened to a grieving process and by acknowledging your feelings as grief they are validated and become easier to understand.

“Although the feelings will vary according to the individual, they often include anxiety, sadness, failure, guilt, anger, insecurity, shock, numbness, envy, devastation, depression, despair, hopelessness, loneliness, emptiness.

“That is why Fertility support groups, such as those provided by the charity Fertility Network UK, are so important, it gives a space to talk to others in the same situation that can understand your feelings and help you feel less alone.”

Five years later and 8 stone down

Throughout her weight loss journey Laura’s biggest cheerleader was Rick.

“Sometimes it felt like I was never going to lose the weight but Rick, who was also trying to lose weight, encouraged me and spurred me on and said ‘let’s give this one last push so that we know we have tried everything and there are no ‘what ifs,’” she says.

“I had tried weight loss groups but found that they all about calorie counting and low-calorie food can be packed with other things that aren’t good for you,” says Laura. “So, we did our own research on nutrition and focused on ‘eating clean and healthy’.

“Over the next couple of years I managed to lose the rest of the weight. My weight loss journey from start to finish had taken me almost five years but by the end of it I had lost 8 stone and got my BMI down to 29.5.

“When I had reached my target BMI I phoned Bourn Hall and said ‘we’ve done it!’. Losing the weight and changing my diet had boosted my metabolism, helped my general wellbeing and put both of us in a good place for starting treatment. By this time though we had been trying for a baby for eight years, it had already been a long journey.”

Life style changes

During their fertility journey Laura had made other changes in her life by leaving her job as a specialist autism teacher, which had become too physically demanding for her, and setting up her own business – crocheting replicas of peoples’ pets.

“I had taken up crocheting as a hobby as it really helped as a distraction from my mental and physical health and fertility struggles and it was something I could do sitting on the sofa with my legs up,” says Laura.

“I started crocheting our cats, my ‘fur babies’, then friends’ pets and soon the idea took off and I was doing it as a business. Rick had given up his job to look after me and during that time he also learned to crochet, and that meant that when I got really busy he was able to help me.”

Pressure of kindness

Laura and Rick embarked on their IVF journey at Bourn Hall’s Norwich clinic in early 2022.

“I did think of IVF being like a ‘magic fairy wand’, I will get pregnant, have a baby and everything will be wonderful,” Laura admits. “But the reality is that it is invasive and emotional.

“For most couples, trying for a baby it is something which happens privately and intimately It is not normal for friends and family to be that invested in your reproductive system and ask questions like ‘how did your egg collection go?’; ‘is it test day?’ or ‘how did your scan go?’

“It is lovely having people being so supportive, but managing their hopes and expectations does add an extra layer of pressure and I think that is something that only people who have been through it can really understand.”

Sadly, the couple’s first embryo transfer wasn’t successful but they became pregnant on the second.

“I loved being pregnant, but I was constantly waiting for something bad to happen,” admits Laura.

Freya – goddess of war and fertility –  arrives

In January 2023 the couple welcomed their daughter at the James Pagett Hospital – and named her Freya, a name Laura had loved since a child.

“It turns out that Freya is the Nordic goddess of war and fertility which I felt was very apt,” says Laura.

“After Freya was born it took me a long time to process everything we had been through, it didn’t feel real that I was finally a mum.

“Freya is nearly two now and bright as a button. Being a mum is wonderful, I wouldn’t change it for the world. We feel very fortunate that we can both work from home and have the opportunity to spend so much time with her. After waiting so long for her we are enjoying every second.”

For more information about Laura and Rick’s crocheting business go to lovinglyhandmadecrochet.co.uk.

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