Suffolk mum shares her story of joy following the ‘trauma of infertility’
04 Nov 2024
“I still feel emotional when I think back to how sad I felt when we couldn’t conceive. I am not sure that you ever feel ‘emotionally cured’ of infertility.”
I hit rock-bottom emotionally
A woman from Lowestoft who describes feeling ‘sad and alone’ as she spent years trying to get pregnant is sharing her story to raise awareness of how infertility can impact mental health and wellbeing – which is being highlighted during Fertility Week (which runs from November 4-8).
Gemma first started trying for a baby ten years ago with husband Paul and remembers spending one Christmas in absolute despair after yet another year had passed of trying to get pregnant without success.
“A number of my friends were expecting babies, in fact one was expecting her second, and I just went really downhill,” says Gemma. “It was my worst Christmas ever and it is only now, looking back, that I realise that I had hit absolute rock-bottom emotionally, I felt alone, completely helpless and out of control of my own life.
“It felt so unfair. Everyone seemed to have children already or was pregnant, and I was the one left behind. I was really happy for my friends who were having children but at the same time felt sad for me. And the thought of never becoming a mum meant so much more to me than not having a baby, it was about family and making my parents grandparents.”
Infertility- related trauma
Throughout Fertility Week national fertility charity Fertility Network UK is focusing on the impact that fertility issues can have on mental health and wellbeing – as well as the effects of ‘infertility-related trauma’ – and highlighting how we all have a part to play in supporting people on their fertility journey.
Gemma and Paul were referred for IVF at Bourn Hall Clinic in Norwich after tests had revealed they would be unable to conceive naturally. Their first IVF round was unsuccessful – so when their second treatment resulted in a pregnancy, Gemma says she didn’t react how she would have liked to.
“I wished that I could have felt like jumping for joy but I was too anxious and scared,” she admits. “I was disappointed in my reaction but I didn’t want to trust it too much.
“After our unsuccessful round I had been so upset, I had just wanted to see my best friend. She was a few months pregnant by this stage and hugged me tightly, trying to stop her pregnancy bump touching me, she felt so guilty, it was heartbreaking.”
Recognise the loss as a grieving process
Jackie Stewart is an independent fertility counsellor who provides counselling to Bourn Hall patients and facilitates the clinic’s monthly Fertility Support Group which is open to anyone experiencing fertility issues.
“The yearning for a potential child creates a sense of loss and anxiety,” she explains. “This sense of loss grows as time passes and can be likened to a grieving process and by acknowledging your feelings as grief they are validated and become easier to understand.
“Although the feelings will vary according to the individual, they often include anxiety, sadness, failure, guilt, anger, insecurity, shock, numbness, envy, devastation, depression, despair, hopelessness, loneliness, emptiness.
Sharing in a Fertility Support Group can help
“That is why fertility support groups, such as those provided by Fertility Network UK, are so important, it gives a space to talk to others in the same situation that can understand your feelings, so that you feel less alone.”
After their successful round of IVF at Bourn Hall Gemma and Paul welcomed twins Otillie and Felix in April 2019 – and since then have now welcomed a third addition to the family, son Louis who was born in July last year after they had further IVF at Bourn Hall using a frozen embryo from their previous cycle. But starting treatment again was delayed after Gemma felt old unwelcome feelings rising again.
“I walked into the clinic for our appointment and I literally had a panic attack,” says Gemma. “I was so afraid of it failing, I didn’t feel strong enough to have treatment.
“I waited a year and then I felt ready and said to myself ‘trust the process’ because I did have a happy outcome before with the twins.’“
Gemma describes Louis as her ‘bonus baby.’ “I still can’t believe it to be honest’” she says.
Still emotional when I think back
Bourn Hall patients are offered the services of an independent fertility counsellor during treatment and afterwards. Gemma decided to have counselling to help her let go of her final frozen embryo.
“I still feel really emotional when I think back to how sad I felt when we couldn’t conceive. I am not sure that you ever feel ‘emotionally cured’ of infertility. There was a time when the thought of never having children was just killing me inside and so now, very day, I just feel so lucky.”
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