“Houston, we have a fertility problem”

Fathers’ Day is a time for celebration but not for all. ‘Anger’, ‘jealousy’ and ‘envy’ are just three of the overwhelming emotions that Paul from Lowestoft felt every time he heard that someone else that he knew was going to become a dad.

By speaking out ahead of Father’s Day Paul seeks to raise awareness of the emotional impact on the male partner when a couple struggle with infertility. He says about his journey: “We were very secretive about what we were going through as we felt that no one else could truly appreciate the emotional pain we were facing.

Felt really alone 

Paul and his wife Gemma were living in Houston, Texas, thousands of miles away from their hometown in Suffolk, when they began to suspect that they had fertility problems.

He says: “At times we felt really alone living so far away and with no close friends and family around.”

The pivotal moment came five years ago when Paul arrived home from work to find Gemma in floods of tears after yet another negative pregnancy test result.

The questions broke our hearts

As the couple struggled life continued around them.

“Having close friends announce they were expecting a baby while we were going through this process was one of the hardest things that I had to deal with. I would be pleased for them but also envious, jealous and angry that they were getting so easily what we wanted so much. We felt as though we had been left behind.

“Social occasions often brought up awkward questions related to having children. People think it is an innocent question, but in reality, we were trying so hard for a baby that it broke our hearts when we were questioned about it.

“Although I was going through the same emotions of pain and frustration, I had to be strong for Gemma. Nothing was more important to me than making sure she was okay.”

Trying to be a rock increases stress levels

Paul’s feelings of guilt and needing to be strong for his partner are shared by many men says independent fertility counsellor Jackie Stewart, who runs the Fertility Support Group at Bourn Hall which is open to everyone going through infertility.

She says: “Men can feel helpless and unhappy because they do not have the power to make it better and this can increase their own stress levels. It can be likened to having someone living with you who is feeling unwell and fragile but there is nothing you can do.

“Infertility is a grieving process. Men often try to be the rock for a partner, but it is better to just accept you are in this together and you don’t know what the outcome will be. This way you can work out what you need individually and what you need together to help you feel more peaceful through treatment. This takes away any expectation or assumption that your partner should be feeling or coping the same way.”

Relief to be referred to Bourn Hall

Eventually things started looking up for the couple when they were told that they could be referred for NHS-funded IVF treatment at Bourn Hall Clinic.

“We arrived at Bourn Hall Clinic in Wymondham, Norwich and they made us feel so at ease and comfortable straightaway,” says Paul. “I had changed my diet and been taking loads of vitamins and we were told that my sperm had really improved which was amazing news.”

The couple were entitled to two NHS-funded rounds and Gemma fell pregnant after their second course of treatment after they had ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) which involved the best quality sperm taken from Paul and being directly injected into Gemma’s eggs in the lab.